My angel is gone...

Everyone, thank you so very much for all of your compassionate support. Its hard to put into typed words how much your words helped me through yesterday in particular. I was having a very hard time yesterday, as was my husband. He's not one to display emotion, but there were tears in his eyes several times yesterday. We did not know what to do with ourselves because the house felt totally empty so we took a long walk along the shore of Lake Michigan yesterday afternoon - something we had not done for a long time. I was so envious of all the people I saw out walking their dogs -- doesn't that sound awful? I wasn't envious in a 'mean' way, but more of the feeling of being left out :( What really made me sad was that we accidentally discovered a dog park we never knew existed a few miles from our home and it was painful to see all the dogs playing with their people but I was glad, too, that other people were out enjoying their beloved pets. I wanted to shout out "Love your babies while you have them!" Tho' I'm sure they were all loving their babies just by being there.

I am trying to keep myself busy today so I don't sit here dwelling on Holly's last minutes. Today when I came online, I happened to see all the bookmarked pages where I posted questions about kidney disease, various meds and foods and it seems impossible to believe it doesn't matter anymore because she's gone. All the worrying and wondering and desperation for answers doesn't matter. How can it not matter when it was so important to me last week or the week before that? Its hard for me to fathom that so quickly, it seems, its over. I'm not sure what emotion that is but its been a painful issue for me today and I'm entering the phase of guilt now about whether I waited too long and should have done something differently. I don't think so, but now my mind is starting to play games with my heart.
 
Janice, we went through this with our Dakota a little over a year ago and I know exactly how you feel. We lost him very quickly as well - within 12 hours of one of his seizures. I still have all those pages bookmarked and to this day don't have the heart to remove them. We lasted an entire week before we got a new sheltie (and a 2nd a couple months later). The silence was too painful. We also got his ashes for remembrance, and just the other day I was chuckling because we have his collar still hanging where we last put it on a post in the entry way into our family room. Neither of us can remove it.

I'm glad you guys got out of the house... you do have to get away and do some things that will get your mind off of it, as much as you want to just crawl into a ball and cry (that's what I wanted to do, after the stunned phase wore off).

Take care of yourself and keep us posted on how you're doing. It's good to hear from you... and know that you're not alone. *hugs*
 
I'm so sorry to hear of Holly's passing. We lost our Bailey to kidney disease, and this brings back so many memories! Just know you're in our thoughts, and Holly is running free at the bridge, sporting that Sheltie smile, until she sees you again....
 
Please don't feel guilty, you followed your heart and that is never wrong. Sending hugs and prayers to you both to help ease your sadness.
 
Angel Holly

Dear Janice,

Reading your last post, I can't help but remember the times I have felt exactly like you after losing one of my sweet Sheltie babies. I have been thinking of you all this time and glad to hear from you again. This guilty feeling is all too familiar. I think that's because we love them so awfully much and we just keep going over everything, still looking for the answer to everything. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, Janice. You followed your heart, as someone else said, and really that is the best way. You knew what was right, and Holly knew that too. Just try to take good care of yourself at this really heartbreaking time. We all care for you and understand how you feel. God bless you. He has Holly in His arms now but she will always, always be in your heart and soul.

Love,
Maida, precious Angie Love and sweet Christopher
 
"Think where man's glory most begins and ends, and say my glory was I had such friends." ~
William Butler Yeats

Although we probably will never meet face-to-face, I wish I could say Thank You 'in-person' to each of you. I am grateful for your friendship. Your support has gotten me through these last days. With lasting gratitude,

Janice
 
I am so, so sorry for your loss. May you find comfort knowing that she is resting in peace and looking after you always. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
Got the call from the vet's office this afternoon that Holly's ashes were back and ready to come home. I hadn't cried yesterday but I did when I got there today. I didn't know what to expect but my baby's ashes were given to me a beautiful navy blue velvet bag embroidered with "Until We Meet Again at the Rainbow Bridge" in gold letters. Holly's ashes were in a white plastic box. My neighbor gave me figurine today of an angel holding a dog and I have placed the ashes next to the angel on one of our living room shelves. Inside the bag with the ashes was a poem I had not seen before and wanted to share it in case anyone out there was also unfamiliar with it, but I warn you that it brought new streams of tears to my eyes....

"At Heaven's Gate"

"I would have carried you to heaven if I could have. I would have wrapped you in my arms, then step by step I would have told you stories of all our yesterdays, of memories created, a journey shared, of lives, our lives, filled with laughter and love, a passion, an energy, yet a softness that soothed our souls. Visions would have danced in our heads, remembering the very moment that made your heart mine and mine yours. You, a teacher, a listener, a student, a companion, a friend, a partner.....I would have thanked you for all you gave, your heart was so big and your soul radiant. I would have thanked you for sharing your life with me. We would have reflected on our journey, our family, our friends. As the time grew near, I would have held you tightly as if to never let you go. I would have kissed you "Good Night" and then very carefully handed you over at heaven's gate. I would have told you, "Its okay to go, for we will meet again." I would have if I could have, but I didn't have to, you made it on your own, as I can hear you telling stories from heaven above. The memories and the joy of knowing you live on in my heart. Thank you for the journey of a lifetime." (by Teri Kado)

While I was at the emergency vet's office and the receptionist was retrieving my baby, there was a tough looking man sitting in the entryway crying like a baby. I'm not sure what happened but I think his dog might have been hit by car because one of the vets came out and was talking to him about taking xrays. I never saw a grown man crying like that, it hurt my heart and I started crying - I'm not sure if it was because I was being handed Holly or because I was sharing that man's pain. As I was walking out, I heard him say "That dog is my life.." I knew exactly how he felt!

Janice
 
Oh so sad.....for you and the guy.

Picking up my Cedar's ashes were really hard for me as well. And then, we decided to spread them a few months later (well some of them) on a beach that he loved and that was just terrible.

They really are our life.

Hugs from Jersey :sadsmile:
Danielle
 
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