I can't imagine how hard this time is for you probably, in part, because I can't let myself. I respect you for being able to get to the point of talking about it - that has to be one of the hardest first steps. Maybe one day your son and ex will be able to start the climb. In the meantime, have a lovely vacation. My sister just got back from the Bahamas on Wednesday, all tanned and relaxed from living on a friend's sailboat for a couple of weeks.