Hi everyone - just needed some prayers and some guidance. having a really hard time losing my "Crash" this past weekend.
Crash was eleven years old. Male Blue Merle Shelty. White with black streaks and a hint of brown on his face. beautiful blue eyes. always by my side. always my best friend. my wife and i got him when we first got married. he was our "kid". spoiled rotten. After our sons were born of course he lost some attention, but he didn't show that it bothered him. he still got his time. he was still my buddy. while he wasn't super fond of the kids, he would lay outside their rooms while they slept, let us know if they were crying - always aware and protecting.
other than his arthritis, he has always been rather healthy. we named him crash as a pup since he would run through the kitchen, try to slam on the brakes and slide into the cabinets. it was the cutest thing.
he lived up to this name all his life - always bumping into things, falling, getting hit by doors - you name it. never once showing any pain.
friday night, we noticed a large mass on his neck. it wasn't there earlier as i was with him all morning. he was acting fine though. i rushed him to the vet to find it was filled with blood. vet said he must have knocked it somehow and the area is filling with blood - its not clotting. his red blood cells and platelets are very low. they are pretty sure he has cancer and this just happened to be the first visual - unfortunately the worst.
we went home friday night with some meds and some hope that he would stop losing his rbc's and platelets, but vet said to prepare.
i laid with him all night long, holding his paws - talking to him. telling him its going to be alright. he didn't look good. by morning he was having trouble getting up. he did manage to get a small drink and go outside to relieve himself. but on the couch he went for the rest of the morning and afternoon.
again, i sat with him all morning and afternoon - believing in my heart this may be it. i asked my wife and the kids to give him hugs and kisses - deep down i knew what was coming.
before we left, i picked him up and we walked around the house - the bedrooms, his crate in our room, all his favorite spots. he just laid his head in my arms as i cried and spoke to him - i knew we were saying goodbye to everything.
crying all the way to the vet, we arrived and he was able to jump down as he loved to sniff around there. he managed to walk in on his own albeit very slowly and gingerly. looking back, i hate myself for allowing him to walk in - i should have carried him. but - perhaps in a way - he was strong one last time - for me and for him.
in the room, the doc was positive at first, saying he looks ok, he isnt totally lethargic, he is drinking but not eating. thought perhaps a few more days on the meds he MIGHT have some more time. they ran some more blood. everything had dropped another 50%. he most likely would not make it through the night.
at first, i just wanted to bring him home, doc said he would probably slip into a coma like state, and then just pass. we wanted him home. then doc said, losing red blood cells is losing oxygen - you in essence suffocate and stop breathing. this i couldn't handle.
they gave me all the time i needed, which was close to an hour of phone calls to my wife. we couldn't decide what to do. i could not make this decision. we were both in tears, we wanted him home, but didn't want him to suffer. if he was suffering now - he certainly wouldn't and never has shown us - my tough boy.
we made the decision, i held him close and tight the entire time - and for about 20 minutes after. i couldn't let go, i still cant.
i cant stop crying for him. everywhere i look in the house, i see him. i come home and he is supposed to be right there (he slept in the laundry room when we were away). he is supposed to be going outside before i lock up for the night, i'm supposed to hear his tags jingle as we go up the stairs to bed.
As he would lay in his corner of the bedroom, he would nuzzle in and find the right spot, and then let out a big sigh before he would start his little snore.
i miss him so much. its been 4 days. i have hardly slept and can hardly eat. To make it worse - i was laid off a few weeks ago so i'm home all day - and while my wife is at work and the kids are in school - its supposed to be me and him - but now, i'm alone.
please tell me it gets better. please tell me he is ok. i just want to hug him and hold him again. please tell me i did the right thing.
I love you and miss you so much, Crash.
Crash was eleven years old. Male Blue Merle Shelty. White with black streaks and a hint of brown on his face. beautiful blue eyes. always by my side. always my best friend. my wife and i got him when we first got married. he was our "kid". spoiled rotten. After our sons were born of course he lost some attention, but he didn't show that it bothered him. he still got his time. he was still my buddy. while he wasn't super fond of the kids, he would lay outside their rooms while they slept, let us know if they were crying - always aware and protecting.
other than his arthritis, he has always been rather healthy. we named him crash as a pup since he would run through the kitchen, try to slam on the brakes and slide into the cabinets. it was the cutest thing.
he lived up to this name all his life - always bumping into things, falling, getting hit by doors - you name it. never once showing any pain.
friday night, we noticed a large mass on his neck. it wasn't there earlier as i was with him all morning. he was acting fine though. i rushed him to the vet to find it was filled with blood. vet said he must have knocked it somehow and the area is filling with blood - its not clotting. his red blood cells and platelets are very low. they are pretty sure he has cancer and this just happened to be the first visual - unfortunately the worst.
we went home friday night with some meds and some hope that he would stop losing his rbc's and platelets, but vet said to prepare.
i laid with him all night long, holding his paws - talking to him. telling him its going to be alright. he didn't look good. by morning he was having trouble getting up. he did manage to get a small drink and go outside to relieve himself. but on the couch he went for the rest of the morning and afternoon.
again, i sat with him all morning and afternoon - believing in my heart this may be it. i asked my wife and the kids to give him hugs and kisses - deep down i knew what was coming.
before we left, i picked him up and we walked around the house - the bedrooms, his crate in our room, all his favorite spots. he just laid his head in my arms as i cried and spoke to him - i knew we were saying goodbye to everything.
crying all the way to the vet, we arrived and he was able to jump down as he loved to sniff around there. he managed to walk in on his own albeit very slowly and gingerly. looking back, i hate myself for allowing him to walk in - i should have carried him. but - perhaps in a way - he was strong one last time - for me and for him.
in the room, the doc was positive at first, saying he looks ok, he isnt totally lethargic, he is drinking but not eating. thought perhaps a few more days on the meds he MIGHT have some more time. they ran some more blood. everything had dropped another 50%. he most likely would not make it through the night.
at first, i just wanted to bring him home, doc said he would probably slip into a coma like state, and then just pass. we wanted him home. then doc said, losing red blood cells is losing oxygen - you in essence suffocate and stop breathing. this i couldn't handle.
they gave me all the time i needed, which was close to an hour of phone calls to my wife. we couldn't decide what to do. i could not make this decision. we were both in tears, we wanted him home, but didn't want him to suffer. if he was suffering now - he certainly wouldn't and never has shown us - my tough boy.
we made the decision, i held him close and tight the entire time - and for about 20 minutes after. i couldn't let go, i still cant.
i cant stop crying for him. everywhere i look in the house, i see him. i come home and he is supposed to be right there (he slept in the laundry room when we were away). he is supposed to be going outside before i lock up for the night, i'm supposed to hear his tags jingle as we go up the stairs to bed.
As he would lay in his corner of the bedroom, he would nuzzle in and find the right spot, and then let out a big sigh before he would start his little snore.
i miss him so much. its been 4 days. i have hardly slept and can hardly eat. To make it worse - i was laid off a few weeks ago so i'm home all day - and while my wife is at work and the kids are in school - its supposed to be me and him - but now, i'm alone.
please tell me it gets better. please tell me he is ok. i just want to hug him and hold him again. please tell me i did the right thing.
I love you and miss you so much, Crash.
The first few days is the hardest. Then after a week or two the pain is still very strong, but you find you are able to smile at happy memories. It will get easier as time goes on, but the pain will always be there. It's been over 10 years since I lost my first shelties F-kap and Sunny and I still cry and dream about them today.
We all signed up for this pain when we got our wonderful four legged friends. I don't believe in euthanization unless it's absolutely nessacery. I can't tell you if you did the right thing or not, but I do know that if I was in you situation I'd do the same. He is happy and pain free now. He's waiting for you at the rainbow bridge, were he can run and play with all the other wonderful dogs waiting for those who loved them. Prayers for you and your family
