Trixie unexpectedly said goodbye

You are all so kind to keep talking with me as I walk through the emotions of this sudden loss. I just wasn't expecting it. I cannot remember grieving my first dog. I had a two year old and homeschooling a middle schooler. I also had massive problems with our finances at the time. It just wasn't the same. I'm in a different place today and so, it feels like my first time doing this grieving process even though I did have it once before. It's just different and honestly I don't know how I made it through before. But, I did.

I slept last night but I did have nightmares. Today I was somewhat better. I still miss her but I think I've developed this period of denial. I think that she is upstairs when I am down; downstairs when I am up. You know? The morning was still really hard and I couldn't bring myself to look at the pages in my journals I wrote the past few days. I just skipped ahead to where I would see the entries and wrote today fresh. I also just spent the day making my daughters happy rather than dwelling in sad thoughts. That also helped.

I pet our mice but it isn't the same ... of course! (we have a couple curly rex mice that are really cute but like a fish, they don't do much). No one wants me to vacuum anytime soon since our dog won't be around to share more of her hair with the carpet .... For now, we just are allowing time to move us forward
 
we are all dog people here, we get it. So please, continue to share your struggles and I hope we can help. We will never try to downplay your feelings or emotions.
I have been expecting Gavin's passing for almost a year; it isn't gonna be any easier when it does happen (whenever that is).
But seeing a young puppy when I am hiking is such a joy, the kisses and wiggles just make me smile. Then I go home to my old guy and he melts my heart.
Everything is a process.....
Be kind to yourself
 
Thank you ever so much! I appreciate the kind shoulders to lean on during this time. Last night I took medication to sleep and I finally slept. First time since Tuesday night, my last night with her. It's still very lonely but this is the first day since that I am completely alone as my daughters are not in the house and I'm sort of in denial thinking she is on the other side of the room but the thoughts are tormenting me as badly. I was able to go outside and water my garden without her this morning. I missed her when I came back in from waving goodbye to my daughter as she left because I expected to see her little face staring at me in the hallway. She would always either want to tell me goodbye if it were me leaving or hello when I came inside.

last night after our movie, I was putting the footrest down on the couch and was careful to look to see she hadn't laid under it first.... habit. I didn't break down in sobs as the day before however.

It helps so much to be able to talk about this. Thank you. I hate thinking about them being angels or rainbow bridge stuff. That sort of thing sounds good but I am not comforted by it. I did put away her leash in the cabinet but haven't moved anything else. The emptiness would be too much for me just yet.

Her photo is on the fridge as it's always been since she was a puppy. Going to stay there. Might see about getting a few printed. Might help. Today as I was prepping for next month (I always pull out notes and get the month setup the last day of the current month). I found a notecard for her baths which I kept track of. No wonder she was so clean. I had bathed her just a week prior and done a complete combing and foam quick dry shampoo the day prior to her death. I was able to pet and snuggle her and she didn't feel like sickness and death like Lexy at all. She was like a giant stuffed animal. Her paws my eldest had just clipped and trimmed two days prior so her feet were so pretty as well. Thoughts of her beauty don't tear me up as much today but make me happy. She was the best dog in the world and I still miss her.
 
Cindy said:
How are you doing?
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I finally forced myself to go visit a friend of mine. That helped as I got away from the house and when I came back, it was a bit easier. The silence of not having her here is tolerable albeit strange. I still have that feeling she is somewhere around the corner laying down somewhere. My girls are talking about it and it has helped. My eldest remembers the odd silence/feeling that a house empty of a dog feels and agrees that a dog adds a lot.

I am doing better. You should see the sympathy card my vet's office sent me! I know the office really well but they sent the most beautiful card complete with all of them writing about my dog. It was so nice. Trixie truly was their favorite patient. It felt good to know that I had learned how to train her that well. It still feels weird to say that she is gone and I cannot believe it but I am not as lost and in pain as I was. It's still denial but not pain.
 
So I had a question. I am much better since my words from before and I am sincerely planning for the future. I remember that when I was ready for my new puppy last time how hard it was to find Trixie. I do not want to be in that situation again. Can you all help me? I don't want to prove to future breeders that I am a reliable Sheltie owner or answer their questions wrongly. Or something. I am the most sincere and lover of my Sheltie. I can provide references and you can tell from my grief how well-loved and well-trained my beloved Trixie was ... that said, I will travel the entire USA to find my future best friend! I do need some help however. Please if you can help and refer me to places and point breeders to reach me. I want to find a way to be on their waiting list ahead of time for what I seek. Here is what I am looking for:

FEMALE
Sable and White
Can be larger (both of my dogs were around 35lbs).

That's it.

I would consider buying a show quality dog even versus a pet. I don't want second best. I want what I want. I'm really picky. I mean, it's adopting the best dog who has much to live up to because Trixie was the best dog. You know? It took me ages to find her because the females sable and white are impossible to find. I don't want that situation again. I treasured her because she was just that hard to find!

Yes, I own my own home. Yes, I have a fenced yard but I'd never ever leave her outside alone. Yes, she will get all the care in the entire world and treated with the best of everything. Yes, I can give a letter of reference from my vet as well as character references. No, I don't use a groomer because I lovingly do all of this for her myself. It's my joy.

So .... what can you do to help me? I do not want a rescue. I do not want anything other than a brand new puppy just as soon as she is ready to leave her mother and come to her forever home. We will be waiting with loving arms. I will drive to come absolutely wherever. I just don't want to fight to find her. You know?

Take for example, this email from a breeder. First she tells me that I can go elsewhere as she doesn't have any. I explained everything in clear detail and yet, she brushed me aside with a quick I don't have any and go somewhere else. Here is the email I sent just inquiring:

"Good evening,

I am looking for a reliable and honest Sheltand Sheepdog breeder. I am really picky about where my future best friend comes from and have specific requirements I seek.

I've owned only Shelties in my life, both the very best dogs ever! Our last beautiful girl passed away in her old age, free of all disease. She is sadly missed and our home is saddened by the lack of a dog. I know it takes a while for me to find the right match with a breeder and the fact that I am specifically looking for a sable and white female so I am starting to look. I am willing to drive!

I can give you references. I do not have small children and there are no other pets. All of my Shelties have been well-trained and extremely well taken care of. They never lacked proper vet care.

Can you please tell me about your dogs?

I am specifically looking for a female puppy with as little black on her as possible - I really want a pure sable and white or as close to that as possible. I'm willing to wait but I would like to find the right breeder and get put on a list properly so when she is born, I can be in line for my new future best friend as I'd like to bring her home as soon as she is able - 6-8 weeks, I am guessing from being weaned. :)

I look forward to hearing back from you!
Katrina"

She finally sent me this list of questions when I asked about the waiting list (not one word about her as a breeder to answer the questions I posed above however):
Where are you located? Do you have a fenced yard? Do you prefer a laid back Sheltie or an energetic one? Do you have any particular activities you want to do with your dog, such as obedience, therapy, etc?

Why would she ask me if I wanted a laid back one or an energetic one? All Shelties are energetic. It's a breed standard. Why would she care about those activities? These are all training.

Now, I have never shown dogs yet but I would consider that for the future. Are show quality totally out of the question? What is the cost of that versus me just buying a pet? Would I get taken more seriously if I just say upfront that I am looking for a show dog?? I have been tossing around learning how to show dogs and maybe this is the time to get more involved in that. I am in a season of my life where I could honestly. I couldn't before but I can now. I have never in my life met a person like myself in person who takes training and care of my Sheltie as seriously as I do. I have learned everything from the books I read. My daughters both see me showing in the future, having multiple Shelties (I wouldn't consider that yet but it's a thought for the future) and getting more involved in my life with them. Honestly I would love to do obedience trials or pet therapy or flyball. I just have never done that yet.

What should I do to find the exact right dog? Does all that make sense? I do want to be taken seriously. I do want first pick. I do want that girl. Sable. White. Help. ;)
 
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